This Morning I went for a walk. It was a beautiful morning and I had just enjoyed a hot cup of Turmeric, Lemon & Honey Tea. I was pondering how I would be writing a post for the blog today.I was struggling with some self doubt, and painful childhood memories. They come on me suddenly you know, without warning. often times prompted near holidays. I'm sure Valentines Day triggered it this time. I asked myself. " What could I share that would be real, honest, and helpful? What Purpose Work have I done in my life on my journey that could help bring Joy into other peoples lives?" With these questions whirling around my cranium, I slipped in my earbuds and started listening to my morning meditation for healing the inner child. The words soothed my soul. The comfort of reprogramming negative messages from my childhood brought sweet relief.
Today as the meditation gently flowed into my ears, The words spoke of
healing my wounded self. Just then like dew from heaven, a sign that
God knew my pain, and was aware of me. I came upon a little wounded woodpecker, just lying
on the sidewalk injured. I gently picked him up and held him close. I
could feel him shiver with fear. I walked home slowly cuddling the
creature as my meditation continued in my earphones
" You can be whole, you can be
healed, you don't have to be wounded anymore." I knew God was letting me
know the little bird would be OK and so would I.
I have to be very focused and work very diligently on healing scars from living in a home where I had an alcoholic and drug addicted mother. It is the deep, dark, secret you know you should hide, but feel like it will break you if you don't reveal it from the housetops." I am an Adult child of an Alcoholic", and that, my friends, changes everything. One of the reasons my perspective was fogged over with grey colored lenses, why I see the world so negatively, is that I lived in a very destructive environment. I was not validated, I was shamed, neglected, and abused. I don't say these things to bring any condemnation down on my parents. I love them and honor that they did the best they knew how with what they knew. I only reveal these facts to help anyone else who carries this dark secret to feel like it's OK to be honest. It is OK to be real.
I have to work very hard now, to heal and connect with my real feelings. Feelings were not allowed in my home. Except the rage and narcissism my mother could exhibit of coarse. It was truly all about her and like generational damage, passed down like DNA, sometimes it's all about me now. Oh, how I fear becoming my Mother, and yet I am my Mother's daughter. It's wrenching pain. Now in consequence, I struggle with relationships. I am afraid of abandonment. I avoid emotional intimacy, I want friendship but push it away. I want love but feel I don't deserve it. I want to be a good parent, but I don't always know how. Who taught me? Where was my example? Why are all my feelings so conflicted?
So in an effort not to be too gloomy, ( This Blog is about designing a Joyful Life, remember?) I just wanted to make it real...and help others understand where I am coming from. In order for the Journey into Joy to happen, the healing of the inner child must come first. If you have childhood wounds maybe some of the tools I have used will help you. I use guided meditations where I feel the love I never had before, wash over me and heal. I walk, pray, and read my scriptures. If God loves me who can abandon me or hurt me or make me afraid? I am a Member of
The Church of Jesus Christ of latter Day Saints, which has given me an eternal hope, I go to support groups, it helps too. I am grateful for learning that it is okay to take care of myself, and do nice things for myself. I like to garden, color, listen to music, write, Blog, learn photography, take bubble baths, practice French phrases, light candles and take time for myself when I need it. I learned to say "No" when something is too much commitment for me, when I am struggling. I don't beat myself up for it, or feel guilty about it. My Father-in-Heaven loves me, He knows my story, He grants me mercy and healing. I didn't always believe or do these things. When I discovered them, I was able to live a richer, fuller life. I was able to super charge my Joy! I am still healing, I know I will feel whole again someday. It takes time. I know I can make amends to my children for any lack that I had as a result of my ignorance or deprivation. Now that I feel I have been totally broken, I know how it feels to hit the bottom floor. It's all up from there. Now is time for restoration.It's time for self love, and it is powerful.
On an end note: I had Lily and my husband take the bird to the animal shelter, they will nurse him back to wholeness. And I my friends, like the wounded bird, will heal, and thrive, and grow, and love, and finally have a fullness of Joy. I know it's a risk to be this vulnerable, yet it's healing for me. I am just keeping it real, so you can too.
The Joyful Life
Designer
Life Coach
Tiffany King
TheEmpoweringGift@gmail.com
Here is a link to one meditation that helps me recover from the
effects of being an Adult Child Of An Alcoholic. Share it with someone
you know it can help.
The Joyful Life
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